Motherhood when you least expect it!

I thought it fitting that my first blog comes from a place of vulnerability. If nothing else, but to truly show you that I am a real life human in this robot, AI, Cybertruck world we are currently living in.

If talk about pregnancy is triggering, you might want to skip over this post.

Before motherhood, I had coffee while riding bareback and walking the dogs almost every morning. I enjoyed most sunsets bareback while winding down with a craft beer, also walking the dogs. I challenged my fears and entered things that would test my horsemanship and my courage in front of a crowd. I lived each day to set my soul free by the wings of a horse.

Motherhood hit me when I LEAST expected it! Cole and I had just purchased our forever home in March of 2021. I entered my first barrel race at the end of May on a mare I had been training for two years. I was just getting started and nowhere near ready to hang my bridle up just yet. At this point we had been married for 7 years. We successfully “evaded” pregnancy for three years after deciding to remove the “T-Shaped devil” in my uterus. That’s a long story for a later time. We were not “trying” by any means but we also weren’t preventing it if you know what I am saying.

Our family was in town for Father’s Day. I remember being so tired I wanted to nap during my simple task of driving to the feed store. When the thought of having to pee emerged, it was a “you needed to pee five minutes ago” type of urgency. Something was off and I just couldn’t put my finger on it. My period wasnt due for another three days. When I got home, I ran to the bathroom and peed on a stick that was conveniently in my bathroom drawer. I was just going to ease my mind. I had purchased some tests the month before when my period was a day late. I ended up not needing them when Aunt Flow visited me before making it home from the drug store (Phew). I chuckled and put them in my drawer for a rainy day. June 17th was that rainy day. The pee splattered stick turned into a pink plus almost instantly. Of course I peed on another just to be sure. Yep, that test was positive also. False positives are a normal thing right? I stared at the stick in disbelief for a little too long. I walked in the kitchen to find my husband and nephew getting food ready to go out to the pool. My nephew saw the look on my face and excused himself from the room. I didn’t look in the mirror, but I’m assuming I must have looked the way I felt. STUNNED. I couldn’t even form the words. I just grabbed Cole’s arm and hauled him off to the bathroom. I handed him the stick (oh come on, its just a little pee), and stared at him like a deer in headlights. He was just as shocked as I was but embrassed me in a giant hug. He DEFINITELY took the news better than me.

Like I said, family was in from out of town, therefore I had no time to process my thoughts. Sunday evening, as everyone went home, ALL of the emotions hit. The reality set in that my life was about to change drastically. I knew in my heart the first change needed to be no more riding horses. I knew that I would never forgive myself if I had an unecessary accident while training horses. This was a hobby for me. I was trying to fulfil a childhood dream and my life didn’t revolve around it. I was spending WAY more money than I brought home, and I had a little one to prepare for. There was no benefit to my family other than the fact that I jokingly referred to my mare as my therapist. If you are a horse girl, you will get that reference. I won’t lie here! I had a pretty good little pitty party for about two solid days. I was upset that my dream was over before it really gad time to begin. I had literally just bought a new pair of boots for crying out loud! I wasn’t ready to be a mom. I wasn’t ready to wreck my body. I wasn’t ready to lose me. Would I even make a good mom?

Don’t worry! My selfishness was astounding to me also. Who was I to be upset about recieving such a gift? After I got out of my own way, I saw the blessing God had given my family. Fast forward to a little more than three years and here we are today. My FAVORITE job is being a mother. Yes, I said job. These babies are HARD work. They are some of the hardest work I’ve done and I know how to get my hands dirty! When people ask me what I “do”, my first response is always, ” I am a stay at home Mama!”. Not the numerous other titles I carry; full time “real job” as an Office Manager that I’ve had for 7 years, Farmer or leather worker. If you would’ve asked me five years ago if that statement would bring me fullfillment, I would have looked at you like you arrived from a different planet. Now, I cannot imagine doing anything else. Give me ALL the babies!

Being in the trenches, as I loving refer to it, can be so exhausting. The routine can become monotonous. The days start running together. I lay down some nights exhausted and I can’t even remember if I accomplished anything that day. The overwhelm can become pretty heavy if you allow it. I have crawled out of some pretty dark holes while trying to navigate motherhood. There has been a lot of tears shed and a lot of time on my knees in prayer. Each day, I wake to a new beggining. The beauty of a new day, is that you get to start it over. I might like how I spoke to my toddler yesterday but I get to change that today! He isn’t going to hold yesterday’s overstimulated tone over this mornings cuddles and for that I am grateful I choose to forgive myself and do better. The only time you truly fail is by not learning from your mistakes. Know better, do better. You are human and I guarantee that you will find yourself overwhelmed at some point. Acknowledge you did not like your behavior and choose to be better. Not just for that toddler who thinks you are the greatest thing since sliced bread. Do it so you are a person that you like when you lay your head on your pillow each night.

If nothing else, motherhood has taught me that perspective is EVERYTHING! If you can change your mindset, you can change your life. I try to look at mundane tasks like a blessing rather than a curse. Shoes scattered throughout the house means my child can walk. A messy highchair is from my baby being able to feed himself. And that disgusting toddler potty, is from my little boy learning to be big. I’m starting to sound like Mary Poppins, but this way of thinking really will shift your gratitude! I know that it has changed mine and in turn made me a better mom.

Whether you are a “new” or an “old” mom, I hope you took something away from this today. Even if it was just a “Thank goodness it’s not just me” type of moment. Motherhood is absolutely beautiful if you let it be. I encourage you to be in the moment as much as possible. Occasionally say yes to something you usually say no to. Bake the cookies even if your helper is going to make a HUGE mess. Read the same book for the eighth time. And make a big deal about tucking your baby in each night even if you feel too tired.

I still escape to ride occasionaly. Riding has always been more of a mental escape than anything. I know have a therpist for the extra heavy stuff, but my mare is still my favorite to unload all of my problems on. I know our conversations won’t cause her to lose any sleep at night. Riding a horse is like borrowing a pair of wings even if only for a few seconds. If you are lucky enough to find a kindred spirit, the bond is completely freeing. To be loved by one of God’s most beautiful creations is such a profound blessing. She will go anywhere I ask her to because she trusts that I will take care of her as her leader. Isn’t that similar to how we are to be as Christians? We are taught to be blind followers of faith in God and his purpose for us.

Being a Modern Mama in this rat race world is hard. Make sure you make time for you and your self care. Whatever that looks like. Stay humble mama and do good work! Tell me some of the ways that help you navigate the trenches in the comments. I cannot wait to learn from you!